One Day...

Someday someone will walk into my life that will make me realize why nothing else worked out...

I cant wait for that day.
I cant wait for the day that he comes.
I'm terrified it wont.
I think of the "relationships" I've had.
I just dont know what's going on.
One second theyre totally into me and I'm happy.
The next they ignore me and I mean nothing to them.
My mother supposes that once I meet this guy Steven I'll be "in love"
I dont know why she thinks that.
She says he's six years older than me and a return missionary.
It wont hurt to meet him, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
Gah for someone like me to believe in love is almost impossible.
It doesnt matter what you say it wont help me.
There has to be something extremely wrong with me for no one to fall for me.
I try and try to just be myself.
I cant even take it.
It seems like all guys want is a beautiful girl with an amazing personality.
I dont think I'm either.
Someday my prince will come?
Maybe...but then again maybe not...


I'm so lost...

Its seems Alright

I look into your eyes
i'm seeing all the lieS
and the pains too much
but i cant get enough

and im dying inside
though iTs seems i'm alright
you cant stay tonight
because i'll cry the lIes away

You told me you were coming
You said youd be right there
You never came
you never told me you didnt Love me

and i'm dying inside
though its seems i'm aLright
you cant stay tonight
cause i'Ll cry the lies away

You dont knOw what youve done
Ive fallen for a monster
I cant oVer that smile, those eyes, your lies

And Im dying insidE
though it seems I'm alright
you cant staY tOnight
I'll cry the lies away
then it will be okay
dont you Understand?
start over...again

Its funny how your dead when people start listening...

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink my in the river at dawn.
Send me away with the words of a love song

This song is powerful...And I absoulutely love it. My favorite lines are:
Its funny how your dead when people start listing and
Penny for your thought no mine are worth a dollar...

All these suicides these days are mostly because no one would listen.
No one wanted to care because the sad person was a damper to their "perfect lives." Deep down these people never wanted to die. They didnt want death. They wanted someone to listen, someone to care about them. They wanted someone to look at them and say "are you okay?" DO you wanna TALK ABOUT IT?" Anything would have saved them. "you look nice today" wow great shoes" If we would take the time to notice them maybe it wouldnt happen. So many people say " I should have known" I should have seen it" I should have asked" HOw did I not know?" Now that thier gone it seems like they really were depressed" I should have listened"

WHen their gone its too late to listen. You cant listen anymore. Listen NOW care NOW. Your blessed with what you have. DOnt waste it on yourself. Help others give to others. Our thoughts should be worth so much more to people. They should be priceless. Our thoughts are what drive us to madness. Its the people who care that drive those thoughts down to sanity. A random stranger in the grocery store could be thinking " look at all these people...they have no idea what I'm feeling...they have no idea I'm going to die tonight...they dont care...no one cares...maybe if i look sad someone will say something...maybe I wont die...maybe someone will say something...maybe theyll save me...maybe...maybe...maybe not" You could save them...smile to EVERYONE...try giving compliments...try to find something in them. THey wont say anything until someone stands up to them and says "says whats wrong? and I wont take "nothing" for an answer" because all they really want is to have someone look them in the eye see the hurt and care enough to try and make it better.

Patching things up

Dear best friend:] (the two pina colada kind not the well idk what i was gonna say kind0_o)
I've been sitting here thinking really hard. I realized something. I've been really aweful to you for no real reason. I've said things I cant take back but that I can be sorry for. And I know that sorry is never really good enough. I do realize that I've hurt you. I had no reason to and I'm sorry that you became a victim of the words I've spoken...well typed actually. I regret and take back everything I've said and done. I'm sure that this isnt enough to make you my friend again but I'm going to try. I seriously dont know what clicked inside my head to say those things or treat you the way I did. Sometimes I wonder why I say the things I say. Sometimes I think that maybe I just say those things to keep the pain out. I realize that pushed the only person away that I could honestly trust and confide in. I pushed you away and thats not fair. I hurt you. I'm sorry like honestly sorry. Your like the best friend I've ever had and I dont know why I pushed you away. I regret it big time. I'm reading through our old notebook. the front is covered with all kinds of decorations. Remember that one song that we were like stuck on? That band called C-note? yea theyre on the front cover!! The song next to thier name is "lo siento" I'm sorry. Remember Superman? All those code names for those guys...and now finally youve found your PRINCE CHARMING!!! I really do wish you the best of luck!! Do remember our bio teacher? She was like the best teacher EVER!!! Geez I feel guilty for what I said sam. I feel like I'v let you down. If you dotn forgive me it's okay...I just wanted to let you know that I'm through with hurting you. I'm through with it I just want us to be friends again. I know this isnt enough to get our friendship back. But my mission here is to apologize and I hope that you know that I'm really sorry for everything. I hope that you can forgive me and yea
Hot Fudge Sundae
Ps remember kimballs "half birthday"? or was is "un birthday"?

What I'm About To Say

I've been thinking a lot lately
How much people have impacted me and all
Everyone I've known has a made a diffrence
From my best friend to my worst enemy
To the random stranger that called me pretty
Every single person has made me who I am
And I couldnt be more thankful
For the crazy girl in high school that taught me to be confident in myself
For the boy who thought I was beautiful enough to kiss for the first time
For my family
and for my greatest enemy
Who taught me how to stand up for myself
no matter how much trouble it got me into...
haha wow lifes been hitten me so hard lately...
I'm growing up becoming an adult...
Everythings changing...
Okay well one things not
and thats my love life
I'm still single as ever...
Today my mom and I dropped off a bunch of invites for this party were having
It was normal and all...
Until I dropped one off at his house.
I expected his mother to come to the door
(she was who we invited because after all I dont think boys are interested in purses)
Anyways...he opened that door and I went weak at the knees...
I guess I've liked him for 8 years now...
Wow thats a long time.
Heres the history...I moved to the street where I currently live at the young age of ten years old.
He lived right behind me...
I was teased in 5th grade...for whatever reason the girls in my class decided they didnt like me...and continued to torture me
For some reason we always talked...
Almost every night just me and him
He would listen...he saw past my pain and thought of me as a friend...
Well I thought of him as more...at 10 years old
I had a crush on a boy who didnt feel the same
but was there never the less
ALWAYS
through out the years we shared slow dances and jokes
me being angry with him for stupid reasons
and falling in and out of love with him..
Turns out I thought I was over him
but when he answered that door...
my stomach filled with butterflies
the only problem about me seeing a future with him?
I'm almost sure that he doesnt feel the same way...
But you know what?
He was the first boy that made feel like life was worth living...the first person I knew cared besides my family....because hes the only one that still keeps up the effort to talk to me..
What I just said broke my heart in a million ways...
But I would never ever wish my life be any different

My Big Mouth

Sometimes I say things I dont mean
Especially on here.
In most cases I'm expressing what my friends have
been going through.
Suffice to say that it may entangle with things
going on in my life...
but I never really mean it
It's just me writing to get my emotions out
I come back later and think
WHAT was I SAYING??
Then I pray and hope and plead it doesnt hurt
peoples feelings.
I'm a writer and an actress.
I can stir up an emotion I wasnt even feeling seconds ago.
SO you cant take EVERYTHING I post on here seriously.
I mean come on!!!
Yes I hurt you...but we've both done our fair share
and theres no reason you need to feel bad or anything
I'm greatful for what you gave me.
I'm greatful for what friendship we did have.
Somewhere inside of me longs for us to be as
good as friends as we used to be...
Part of me longs to take everything back...
but I know I've changed...that weve both changed
Niether one of us needs to feel bad for what has happend
Because stuff happens.
Live on
BE HAPPY
and dont you dare let ANYONE including me get you down...
because I'm not worth it.

You Just Cant

I'm sorry but you just cant...
You cant expect to just walk back into my life..
It doesnt work that way.
You cant lie and a decieve me just to say
"OH IM SORRY"
and expect me to go
"OH ITS OKAY YOU ONLY BROKE MY HEART AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WASNT IMPORTANT TO YOU"
A broken heart doesnt mend with an "IM SORRY"
I doesnt sit that way...
So stop saying sorry.
I told you what would happen...but you said no it wont I promise...
Well it happened didnt it?
Well CONGRATS you broke my heart...