I cant tell you now...

If I felt it was right to tell you right now I would...but I cant...because I'm happy your happy...and Im not screwing that up for you...:/ See the thing is I liked you...it felt..right...but you obviously didnt feel the same...its sad to think that we could have been cute together...For the longest time I blamed myself...Whats wrong with me? Why cant he love me?? You have no idea. January 9th changed my life forever.I met you and that cake fight sealed the deal...I liked you A LOT...and the fact that you left your GF...who was at that sweet 16...wow...I was extatic. Shortly later you said you liked me...and things went smoothly...You gave me my first kiss...you will forever be in my heart...I'll be telling my grandchildren about you...Your written down in my history books for life...Its difficult ya know?? To have liked someone so much and then it ends two weeks later without any real reason to...It hurt...I was hurt...I felt I couldnt breathe...BUT I got over it...and we hadnt talked since...I texted you as a joke...haha..ya know...I never thought we would end up talking about this kind of thing...I never thought you actually talk to me for more that 3 texts...I was wrong because I opened my big mouth and you hate being teased...I was suprised. Now your happy...you have a girlfriend and your happy...the fact that I cant move on from the guy who gave me my first kiss is MY problem...You...you be happy and love her to death...dont worry about me I'll find him...My dork in tin foil will come for me...yes I said dork in tin foil...because superheros and knights are overated...So again I say in my complicated girlish ways...which I wish I wasnt so girlishly complicated...am saying be happy...live life...and dont let a silly girl like me ruin that for youXD

Well good news!!

I LOVE MY NEW LAYOUT!!! and I finally got a myspace...my parents dont care that I have one cus im 18 now...so YAY FOR ME GETTING A MYSPACE!!!

The Line of Fire.

I just left the line of fire
my heart is breaking
It's loosing desire
to love ever again...
I'm breaking down losing myself
freaking out.
I cant breathe, think, or see.
I'm falling faster now I'm lost
I cant see Im breaking down
Can anybody save me?
I've been hit
I'm losing sight...
My heart is slowing
I think I'm going...
losing the memories
I'm slipping farther and farther
losing myself in this war
Only I cant win
because love has conquered again
I've lost my will to fight
and now the line of fire
has shot me love dead...

Well here it is...

I'm afriad of a A LOT of things.
The thing I'm most afraid of is telling you...
I LOVE YOU...
Youre an AMAZING guy and
one of my best friends.
You make me feel beautiful...
Which is hard to do...
Even if you dont realize it.
I'm too scared to say so...
youre leaving so soon.
I dont think I can handle that pain.
Sure my hearts been broken plenty of times
but this pain is different.
I watched you from afar.
Youre a beautiful person
You have a heart of GOLD
Your lifes been messed up but yet...
YOURE SOO HAPPY!!!
You dont let much get you down.
We dont talk much...
But I love you for who you are
I watch from a distance
because you like them.
I cry inside because I'll never know
if I was beautiful enough for you.
You have no idea...
because...
I'm just too SCARED to tell you.
It's not like you wont move...
It's not like youll say I love you too...
Because all you see is friendship...
and honestly thats better than nothing...
I love you

What more can I say?

Eventually

The pain will ease...
I KNOW it..
Eventually
The tears will stop...
I can FEEL it...
Eventually
The cries will die out...
I can SENSE it
Eventually
And yet eventually is never
soon enough.
So many girls think that
Theyre not good enough
Theyre not beautiful enough
Theyre not smart enough
I say to that is that everyone
needs to feel it
Eventually.
Sometimes that eventually just
doesnt come fast enough
Everyday a girl cries
Everyday a girl hurts
Everyday she falls farther and farther
out of existence.
For me my eventually has come
but hes moving to texas.
Every girl needs their eventually
Every girl needs to be told
YOURE BEAUTIFUL
but unfortunatly its not enough from friends
we need the guys opinion
the guys side
We need to hear it from them to us
a little piece of hope
So bring a girl her eventually today guys
and tell her shes beautiful
who knows?
She may become the most beautiful person
All because YOU had the power..
To stand against the odds and tell her
YOURE BEAUTIFUL
SO make her eventually happen today
STOP tears
STOP the pain
STOP the cries
Because youre the only one that can
Eventually

Secrets

We all have a secret...Mine is that I think I'll never be loved...here I am 18 years old and Iv'e never had a boyfriend. I've been kissed...but I was used. Used as a rebound chick...and it hurt...only further convincing me that I'll never be loved...I'll never marry, and I'll never have the two beautiful boys I've dreamed about. You can tell me that it's not true...you can try and convince me that I'm wrong and that I'll meet Mr.Right...but nothing...NOTHING will change my mind. Every time I decide that it might happen for me I just get my heart torn right out of my chest. It hurts...I've never experienced love...not true love...I'm not talking about family and friend love. I'm talking about the love that binds two people together. Where both people feel so in tune in mind, body and spirit. I've seen and I admit I've envied it. I just want it so bad...to hold someones hands, to kiss them, to hold them, to care for them and love them with all your heart. It seems that all of my best friends have been there, experienced that. Yet they dont see my pain. I hide it of course, I dont want them to worry. I think my biggest fault is my fear of embracing who I am...I'm scared I'm not beautiful enough or funny enough. I fear I'm just not right for anyone. Yet when I like someone...I'm just to scared to admit it...Please superman batman ANYONE just be my super hero. Be knight in shining armor...because I'm a damsel in distress...and I sit here pleading...thinking...no... knowing he'll never come...because I'm so far from reality they cant hear my cries...

Wow...

Sometimes theyll suprise you
and youll be awed...
Sometimes theyll break you
and youll hurt...
Somtimes they wont care
and youll wonder why?
Why did you put so much effort
into it?
Why?
Why did you bend over backwards
just to please them?
Why?
Why did you bust your heart
up just to see them let you
down once again?
Why?
Why do they all of a sudden
come back begging when theyve
lost you?
All you have left to say is
wow...
How could I let you torment me
for so long...
How could I blindly follow you?
All I can say is wow...
and the crack in my chest
tears bigger
big enough to rip my heart out
All I can say is wow...
All these shattered promises
and misguided thoughts
All I can say is wow...
Yet I set myself up for it
once more...
One more time for heart ache
and maybe the pain will be through
because if this doesnt work out
I'll give up
and I'll never love again
not like I loved you...
because all I can say is wow...

well well well

So this is what it comes to. When I dont want to talk to someone I turn to the world wide web of strangers. Guess this happens. Its not that I dont have anyone to talk to...I just dont know which one...Which one will tell me exactly what this heart ache is...I have it for no reason, at least none that I can think of. The day draws nearer...June 23rd...when he leaves, and so does my heart. I cant help but think he will forget about me and I'll be all alone again. Although we were never really together I feel my heart slowly tearing and preparing a piece of itself to send with him to that state which now I hate to say the name of aloud. I love to write and thats why I'm here. To share my endless rants about life and my many problems. The internet is the only sure way that I can be heard. Random visitors at random moments. All with a different opinion. Could it be the very person I'm talking about? Could it be their family? Friends? Or just a total stranger who can relate to my misery...or not? Is it someone who thinks I'm just a whiny person? Who knows these days. But for now I share my misery in complete silence. On this blog I share secrets...because you dont know me. SO how can you hurt me with them? Im sure that some may know me...but I wont share the secrets that can ruin me...Just the ones I'm too scared to say aloud. How is it that I can tell the world this...but I cant face it head on? Why is it so much easier to share with strangers...Why? Because with your friends and family they might give you the response your dying not to hear. The world wide web doesnt answer, it doesnt talk back, it just listens. For a brief moment you can let go your feelings and cry your eyes out with out someone telling you to suck it up. As I write this I think about him, about june 23rd, and how empty my heart is already. well well well...see what I've gotten myself into this time?

Dreams, cute boys, and TEXAS

I fell in love...recently...his name isnt important...well it is...buts its more than his name I love. IDK where its gone too. WHY is he doing this to me? leading me on screwing with my emotions...I mean Im sure he didnt or doesnt mean to...but I thought I really liked him...hmmm. I had this dream...where we kissed...and I woke up and I had to take long deep breaths just to slow my heart down...It took like 10 minutes...I couldnt function...I just get dizzy thinking about it...and it was JUST A DREAM!!! Lifes confusing when your a girl in search of true love... ALSO...my best friend...well guy best friend...is moving to TEXAS this summer...I've already cried...and am going to cry the day he leaves...he has an amazing personality and the sweetest heart. He got amazing eyes and hes a body builder....so hes strong:] Litte does he know I'm in love with him...and he has no clue...I'm scared to tell him...I dont want to lose him...I keep thinking "My happily ever after is moving to TEXAS" WHY? because his dad (who raised him when his mom left them) is getting out of jail...and he finally gets to see him again...his hero his everything. I LOVE HIM...and I'm too scared to tell him...then my best friend crystal pipes up and says "you dont need a happily ever after, you need a happily ever forever..." that made my day...but I'm still too scared to tell him I love him...